Spiritual Light

June 8, 2015

Little Girl To A Woman

We all want to be something when we grow up, but who really knows what our destiny will become. Parents play a huge part in our teachings good or bad. If you experience a difficult Child hood , due to Divorce, Death, Addition, Abuse it can really play apart to your life later on. Shock can cause a huge trumor leading to all sorts of addictions or problems later in life. What really counts is how you choose to over come it. As a little girl i would say i had a lovely life, two parents that tried hard. My father got lost along the way and turned to drink, watching this from a very young life could become really upsetting, the violence i saw and all that hurt. I used to think to myself perhaps he had bad parents and never really dealt with his demons who knows. What i knew was that he would always say ‘ i was a proper little madam’ That thought really stayed with me!! After school i would really like to visit my friend Caroline’s house as they sat round the table for tea and talked. Such a calm home. It is so strange that you wished you lived there. At school i was bullied, never felt pretty and was always called ‘FAT’ The best attribute i had was my intelligence and swimming for the school. On the whole i would say i was quite an up beat personality who really liked to give life its best, in all i did. In my early teens i did all a teenager would do, out with my friends, sport , drink and even had a bash at smoking. Did not last long as i really did not enjoy the taste. I started my apprenticeship and really felt an urge to do well within my work to ascertain a high level. Met a really nice guy and began my relationship at only 17 years old It went on for many years and had many beautiful experiences. Could not have asked for anything more really. Then the children entered, a Boy first, then three years after a baby girl. All of a sudden we both hit 30 years and life started to change i sensed my husband pulling away, my family were going through many difficulty’s. Before i knew it a size 12 i became bulimic. The reality was not really real for me, i would eat, but then when my husband would go out on an evening or work away i was just totally out of control. Eat as much sweet food as i could then throw up. It then began to turn to happen after each meal, more or less became a habit. Weighing scales never came into it, but keep fit went from once twice a week to almost every day. I still carried on to my best ability with my daily life, but really my body was crying out. I needed to feel loved, truly loved and safe. I could not understand, that i was completely lost, guess to every one else i looked in control. It got to the point i could not even eat an Apple. I soon arrived at 6 stone wet through. My it could not have been easy for my husband or any one else watching. Comments came ‘ Are you ok you look thin?’ You need to put weight on. ‘Your clothes look baggy’ Guess i was at that point really disturbed. My husband in this time did not like me to touch him. He did however take me to the doctors to try to get me on antidepressants. I knew deep down that i was the only one who could get better. I wanted it so much to ‘STOP’ what i was doing to myself and my family. Not long after the truth came out he left and went to his new life, new woman. I was left with the children and my Bulimia, Anorexia. In all this time i continued to work and kept going, some days i really did not want to get out of bed. This is the amazing miracle that happened to me, i was alone and one night, i was sick 6 times, i was so sad and cried and cried. Then a light switched on outside may be just the neighbors security light. It almost felt like a message from god ‘CHANGE.’ It was Sunday afternoon, my i really did panic at times and Bulimia became a habit, big shop, home unpack then begin eating a little at first and then i would not no when to stop. But this particular Sunday pm i was driving down the hill to a supermarket. And i just stopped before i knew it i was walking into a Spiritual Church. I remember a man standing on like a stage, saying sit down dear…. Edith has been waiting for you. Well Edith was my mother, how strange i thought. At the end this guy came to me and gave me a message. ‘Stop hurting yourself, enjoy your life the past is gone. I am here with you to help you.’ My god i cried all the way home and really did not no what to think. Most people would just go back, but not me it freaked me out. Strangely enough as weeks went buy i started to listen to Opera music, The Flower Duets became my favorite. I felt happy it had seemed ages, other than the children, i was just thinking of me, doing exactly what i wanted. Food calmed, binges calmed, candles appeared i began to sit watch the TV. Each day i gave myself a star on a chart like a child if i did not puke. Bit by bit my life started to pick up, i was learning to trust myself, love myself. It is strange i made a pack to myself as long as i did not wish to be better looking or actually wish i was someone else, just to love me for who i was and what i was. Then my whole world would change and i would no longer feel trapped. I took myself to a doctor to tell him i really felt as though i wanted it all to change, stop. After talking with her, her answer to me was by actually admitting you have a problem you are already on the way. Anti depressants where prescribed again, i looked at them for ten days but my inner self said no. I then took myself to a Dr who preformed, counseling and Hypnotherapy, at that time i went private as that felt comfortable. I had five sessions with him, he gave me a tape to listen to at night. That was the best support i could have ever had. Can i say to all out there, there is nobody who would know what you feel, i even used to drink alcohol before i went out to make myself feel safe, but it really did not work, social situations where the worst. But what i do no i could have been close to death, nobody was there to support me but my children. Do not feel you can not heal, because life is so beautiful it is a shame to waste it. All that shall we call it ‘Stuff’ way back then has to come out somewhere. It is the smarter person that fights it, what you lost in the process was not worth having as better is to come. Leave it all behind and be the person you want to be Today, you will be amazed by your strength, determination to drive forward to become who you actually are. Here i am successful, happy, love life food people sport. Do you think i ever give Bulimia or Anorexia a thought? It really would not matter who loved me as i have so much for myself. My advice to the on lookers, you would never really know how tough this illness is to beat. One day it might reach your own family. Have a little thought to let the Person who is ill family no if they do not already. Bless you all for reading, just believe.

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