Relationship Denial

May 9, 2018

A desire to be together may be stronger in one, weaker in another, but it does exist and it often becomes the most powerful motivation of our actions and choices. Relationships have many names: passion, love, attachment… Any interaction both people are going through tie them together and become meaningful and transforming. Harmonious relations grant with an irreplaceable feeling of comfort. Unfortunately, there is no a receipt with a guarantee to ensure the ideal relations will last forever. With time passion might fade, love gone, feelings vanish in the daily routine. Instead of turbulence of romance and thunderstorm of passion boredom often tangles action like ivy embraces a tree. Worst, the relations turn toxic when a supportive and nurturing source becomes deadly dangerous for mental and physical state. Instead of solving and fixing the situation, improving and refreshing love, the couples chose a denial, the most frequent and the most losing strategy.

Denial is a conscious refusal to recognize a problem, see that things are desperately wrong, and there is an urgent need for change. The explanation is simple: nobody wants to lose the paradise. It is better to close your eyes, ears and heart from sad reality rather than to face the truth. This state is reflected is best described by The Devil in Tarot. The chains voluntary worn by the passively stood couple resemble the bonds forged by time. The couple’s condition is uncomfortable and humiliating but they don’t seem even attempting to struggle. This is the way when we stay patient in discomfort yet still try to persuade that “everything is ok”. And go on carrying those chains and burning in flame of unsatisfied desires, for which psychology found the term of frustration.

Denial is dangerous because it is person’s consciousness choice, and there is nothing harder than changing and influencing others’ decisions. In the end, everyone does what he truly wants. Secondly, with time it turns into habit, personality trait, and used to denial, we risk turning into close-minded, destructive and toxic people. Every solution comes from open discussion, often, a conflict, but what discussion may start if one or both deliberately avoid, ignore, or aggressively refusing to talk and listen?

Modern social trait of “ok” and “all right” culture contributes immensely to promoting denial. It is a mistake, because, according to the science, negative emotions are natural and they are the necessary ingredient for emotional balance and health. Wrong interpretation of positivity and ethics invisibly yet strictly vetoes any negativity expression. If “everything is ok”, then what is the problem? There is no need for action, and things remain the same leaving at least one of the partners in lonely sufferings. However, life does have many negative moments which should be addressed and solved for good to all. And ignoring them in relations inevitably leads to an end.

To avoid the deadly trap of denial it might be useful to develop spiritual courage to be able to look and see the nuances of other’s behaviour, understand others’ motivation and grasp the diversity of human traits. In other words, developing empathy, attention and interest in the world and people, there are more chances to see person in relationship without turning your partner into some programmed robot who should act within and according to your value system and expectations. It is often a women’s mistake to aim at changing partner. Even stemming from love and care, this is kind of force over partner, which causes resistance; at first, slight, but causing aggression or escape in future. It hurts, especially when consciously we contributed so much, giving the entire life for him. To protect ourselves from terrifying feeling of senselessness and worthlessness of our love, we shut the mind and convince ourselves, that “everything will soon be ok, it is just a….” anything but our own fault. The worst is that offense, anger, and frustration remain, and it is nothing else, than unconsciousness blaming, judging and complaining. This negativity bottled up inside slowly poisons and ruins the relationships.

Another method to avoid denial is teaching yourself to enjoy change, start seeing an adventure and fresh start in any change instead of perceiving it as a fall into an abyss. Fear to see and admit the problem calls for action, and we are pushed to take an exact decision. Unless we face the problem, we may stay in sweet ignorance and pretend everything will remain as we will. It is important to realize that the more we procrastinate, the deeper breach will become. Same as with health when we try to fix the organ as fast as possible, we must treat the vulnerable construction of human relations with caution.

It is good to remember about the languages of love. Everyone expresses love in different ways: through the presents, words, actions. There are plenty of revelations, and those who truly loves, will hear with the heart. But when your partner turns silent, and no signs of love come, it is senseless to invent and build a mirage, and it is time to face the sad truth and go on for a change, than live in denial slowly putting yourself to ruin. Stay courageous, open, independent and loving, remain full of trust to the flow of Life, for it is fears and complexes which put us into the trap of denial, while true love frees from it.




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